It’s hard to say why Armenians love TV. We’ve already mentioned how much Armenians love Satellite TV, but there is something about having a TV or 4 in the small 2 bedroom apartment that tells an Armenian family that you are normal and OK.

And the way that Armenians watch TV is either an advertiser’s dream or nightmare. If you want to be a true Armenian, follow these directions:

1. Turn on TV.
2. Put the volume up. Try pressing the plus button as much as you can.
3. Channel surf until you find something that you don’t particularly care to watch.
4. Leave the room.
5. Open all of your windows so your neighbors are reminded that you are still alive and kicking.

The TV is a staple of an Armenian home. Find an Armenian home without a TV and be suspect and cynical at their intentions and whether they really love being Armo like the rest of us.

It’s not that they mean you harm. In fact, they have no idea that calling you fat is insulting. And believe me, Armenians are not meaning to be offensive and mean. Mean spiritidness is not high on the “characters” list for Armenians. Instead, Armenians will claim that telling you that you have gained a little pudge is truth-telling. You may not realize that you have gained a few pounds since the last holiday gathering. Perhaps, you don’t realize that that shirt doesn’t fit you very well, and we’d hate for you to embarass yourself by wearing that again. So, think of the Armenian as your best buddy, as someone who will tell you as it is because we want the best for you.

You might argue that Armenians could use a litlte more tact in communication, but remember, tact is not a value for Armenians. You are not going to find tact among Armenians, but did I mention that you’ll find people who will gladly call you fat?

So here’s my advice on how to respond the “fat” comment:

• Don’t call the person fat back. Why? Because usually the person who is calling you fat to your face is little old grandma, and such ‘disrespect’ won’t get you far (and besides, it will show you to be defensive).
• Work on losing a little weight before you see everyone–i.e. the family. Even if you lose half a pound, that’s enough, cause you can respond with all integrity, “Actually, I’ve lost a little weight.”
• Blame it on the fact that you’ve quit smoking. (And if you’re Armenian, than chances are you are a smoker!)

Good Luck!

Do a search for “Armenian” on the Amazon website and you’ll see that there are three books that crack the top 10—Learn the Language, cookbooks, and books about the genocide. Armenian authors will invariably write something about the genocide. Take a look at the back of Armenian newspapers and magazines (the classifieds section that promotes books) and you’ll see that an overwhelming number of them are about the genocide.

Soon, you’ll realize that there will be a number of blogs that will pop up about the Armenian genocide. So we Armos (and the rest of the world, except if you’re Turkey) should not worry—there will be plenty of writing about the genocide (except in Turkey).

Go to an Armenian bazaar and most of the books on display at the book table will be about the genocide. On another post, I will reflect about this obsession with the genocide, but this post will simply be about the books that talk about the greatest tragedy of the early 20th century. (By the way, did I mention that Armenians had the unfortunate experience of going through the first genocide of the 20th century?)

The moment Aunty steps in the house, it’s game over. Her perfume will take over the baby’s (sweet) smell. Her lipsticks will stain your baby’s cheeks. And most importantly, her squeal will vibrate in your inner-ear for days to come.

Babies are the next generation of the Armenian community. They represent our best hope for our survival and we have no choice but to trust our Aunties to make sure that they are as Armenian as possible. When the family visits, note that you will hear a myriad of advice on how to best care for this little being. Armenians are never short on giving advice and suggestions as to how you should lead your life and rear your children.

If anything though, thank God that you have 40 days of bonding time with your kid before the visitors come. For some reason, Armenians (as much as they love the baby) will give you exactly 40 days to spend alone time with your child before they visit and visit and visit.

Never be offended at the unsolicited advice that comes from the mouth of your Armenian friend. Instead, smile and thank them for the precious words that will guide you and your family to keep the Armenian legacy alive!

But Armenians really really like things that are free. Armenians will stand in any line, no matter how long and no matter what the product so that they can the free widget. You might think to yourself, “but wait, time is money. Shouldn’t an Armo be concerned that they are spending their time in long lines?” You would think, huh?!? But Armenians don’t like the idea of spending money on anything they can get for free. Maybe it’s the Middle Eastern Culture or the Soviet one. Or maybe, it’s just the Armenian way.

Consider this anecdote: The day that God was giving out noses to the peoples of the world, the Armenians didn’t show up because they didn’t think they needed them. When they found out that they were free, Armenians quickly cut to the front of the line and asked for the biggest ones available! (As you can tell, this anecdote captures a few different elements of Armenian culture.

The argument of where we Armenians got the idea that we can get our fortunes from these bitter grains, is like which came first the chicken or the egg. Turks will claim that they perfect the art and we Armenians stole it, whereas we Armenians will claim that the Turks stole it from us, like everything else.

Regardless, Armenians believe (and I mean BELIEVE) that your cup of coffee WILL tell your fortune. This is no joke or child’s play. The lines will reveal whether you will get married, how many kids you have, if you will die soon and whether you should invest your money in Philip Morris. In other words, Armenians believe that when all else fails the coffee will declare your fortunes.

What baffles me is that Armenians are pretty religious people (after all, we are the first Christian nation), and you would think that turning to God and the Scriptures may offer vision and direction in life. But, I don’t think it would be as much of a hit at the patio table pulling out a Bible after drinking coffee.

So how do you read a coffee cup like an Armo? First, you drink out the coffee and leave some of the grounds on the bottom. You flip the cup over and wait a few minutes for the grounds to stain their way down the cup, then you need to find an older woman to do it. She will be known (and trusted) as the person who reads coffee cups. And once Aunty settles herself in her chair with a serious look, she will put on her glasses and look into the cup. Her first response will be something like, “hmmm… oh … ok… wow!” You become excited. What is she about to say? And then she will see lines which mean something. She will see a house and claim that you are moving. She will see a broken heart and shake her head and curse that you will not find true love.

If you are disappointed by the read, don’t worry! The next time you drink a cup, you just flip it again and you will most likely get a completely different read.

That’s right, with so many beautiful cars on the road, only a Mercedes will do as an appropriate luxury car for an Armenian.

The Mercedes was probably the first luxury vehicle, and Armenians know that owning one reflected to the rest of the world that they had made it in life or business or whatever.

But sometimes it may go beyond a status symbol. It may even be a point of pride. Pride that I own one and you don’t. (Full Disclaimer: I don’t own one). But Armenian pride is never meant to be hurtful toward anyone. So if you feel insulted by another Armenian because of your car, remember that if you are Armenian, chances are that one day you too will own a Benz.

If an Armenian owns a Benz, what you will usually see in an Armenian household is that the other car is a beat up 1982 Tercel (I think Toyota made a Tercel back in the early 80s). The drive to church, birthday parties, and Sunday afternoon BBQs will always be in the Benz. It is not just a status symbol, it is the symbol of accomplishment and satisfaction!

On any given weekend afternoon, there are bound to be old Armenian men, with cigarettes in hand waving an old piece of cardboard above the grill, as a way to increase windflow or redirect the smoke from the kebabs. I’ve never really understood the purpose of the cardboard. And I’ve asked. I’ve asked Grandpa and Dad why we use an old piece of cardboad. “What purpose does it serve?” I ask innocently.

The response is always the same. “That’s the way you BBQ!” It never really satisfied my curiosity. But whenever I’m BBQing some kebabs, I find myself ripping some cardboard and fanning the BBQ. I’m not sure why I do it, but for some reason the food tastes better that way. And when my son asks me why I do what I do, I simply respond, “Hokees… That’s the way you BBQ!”