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I love Armenian food. There is no question in my mind that Armenian food is objectively the best food out there, and nothing beats Armenian food that is grilled. Armenians know how to BBQ. But Armenians won’t BBQ with the new gas grill you pick up at your Home Depot for a couple of G’s. Nope… When Armenians BBQ, they get the coal out and the most important piece of cooking equipment—the cardboard.

On any given weekend afternoon, there are bound to be old Armenian men, with cigarettes in hand waving an old piece of cardboard above the grill, as a way to increase windflow or redirect the smoke from the kebabs. I’ve never really understood the purpose of the cardboard. And I’ve asked. I’ve asked Grandpa and Dad why we use an old piece of cardboad. “What purpose does it serve?” I ask innocently.

The response is always the same. “That’s the way you BBQ!” It never really satisfied my curiosity. But whenever I’m BBQing some kebabs, I find myself ripping some cardboard and fanning the BBQ. I’m not sure why I do it, but for some reason the food tastes better that way. And when my son asks me why I do what I do, I simply respond, “Hokees… That’s the way you BBQ!”

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If I were a betting man, I would place money that in every Armenian family, you can find either an Ani or a Lucy (or some derivitive of Lucy like Lucineh or Lucine). With the myriad of choices available in naming girls, Armenians will generally name their daughters either Ani or Lucy. Of course, not everyone will name their girls Ani and Lucy, but most will.

Actually, I’m not complaining that Armenians name their daughters Ani and Lucy. If you think about it, it’s easier to say than something like Ankhosig or Medstikin. Not that there is anything wrong with those names, but I would take having Ani’s and Lucy’s be overused than Ankhosig. (Ok, take your foot out of your mouth!)

Try doing this for fun. Whenever you see or walk by a crowd of Armenian girls, yell out, “Lucy” or “Ani” and you are bound to have a out 50% of that crowd turn around with an “Eench’eh?” look on their face.

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Do not argue with an Armenian about current events because you are likely to lose. Armenians are always up on the news from around the world. And since the Armenian community is relatively small when you consider all of humanity, most of the news is about everyone but Armenians. (And since a lot of news is bad news, that may not be a bad thing!) I’m kind of glad that the news from Armenia is not that exciting most of the time.

Armenians will subscribe to every 24-hour news channel (especially the foreign ones like Al-Jazeera) just to make sure that no news passes on them. They will devour newspapers, listen to the radio (think shortwave), and of course glue themselves to the TV set.

Of course, most of the information is relatively trivial (which may be the reason why Armenians are generally good at “Trivial Pursuits”). But all that information adds up in the mind of an Armenian, which will strengthen his or her arguments when it comes to politics or other curent event controversy.

Unfortunately, Armenians are not born with many filters that help them figure out whether the news story is legit or a fair assessment of what really happened. And add an Armenian’s propensity toward embellishment, you have Armenians believing preposterous things and take on positions that may not be the most politcially correct.

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Armenians have a rich musical history, so that may be the reason why Armenians love pianos. Children around the world may be raised to enjoy a wide variety of musical instruments, the average Armenian child will have only known the piano. Walk into an Armenian home and you are likely to find a piano (whether it is gathering dust or not is another topic).

The kids will have most likely been dragged to piano lessons every week, in hopes that the children would soon become great prodigies. The piano will take a prominent place in the home and though you will see music on the music stand, chances are that the child nor the parents pay any attention to playing the piano.

So as Armenians, we love our pianos, but if we are honest as a people, the piano serves more as a decorative aesthetic rather than a functional instrument.

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Armenians love Satellite TV. Actually, Armenians love TV (period). TV is used for entertainment purposes, educational purposes, and to pacify the screaming child. It is used as decoration, as art, and a way to pacify old men. The greatest discovery for Armenians in the last 15 years is the Satellite TV. And it’s not just to get the channels from the Middle East, but it’s the idea that you can have thousands of channels.

That’s right. Armenians love the idea that their TV can get thousands of channels–regardless whether 997 of those channels are worth watching (generally, they are not). Some people may choose cable as a means of getting those channels, but Armenians don’t get cable. Armenians love Satellite TV. And if they are good Armenians, they have probably invested in the biggest satellite money can buy, for the bigger the satellite the better the signal (right?).

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The gift that keeps on giving in the Armenian community is that one of our most common words, “Hi” is a homonym for Armenians. In Armenian, “Armenian” is “hye.” (Pronounced ‘hi’)

So Armenians will naturally write, “Hi” as “Hye” (especially in emails). You can identify an Armenian whenever you see the “Hi” or even “High” spelled “Hye”. So businesses will be called things like “Hye Quality.” To the untrained mind, it may seem that these Armenians can’t spell (of course, they may not be able to spell, but this is not what should press you to conclude that).

In my opinion, spelling things “Hye” is cute and witty the first couple times. Maybe the third and fourth time as well. But it’s no longer creative or unique to do that. Of course, spelling things “Hye” may be a way to communicate to others that “I am Armenian.” But we have to remember, that sometimes that may be more of a liability than an asset (depending on how people perceive / judge Armenians)

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This may seem an unfair post. There may seem nothing unique about Armenians and their cars. Most boys (especially between the ages of 16 and 40) seem to like their cars suped-up, with the latest and dopest thing attached that makes a noise for the neighbors to hear.

Armenians (especially the men) love to not only supe-up their cars, but they love suping up their suped-up cars. Armenians will stop at nothing to supe-up their vehicle. And though some Armenians may be able to afford a late model Cadillac Escalade, most are suping up their ‘81 Tercel. I’m not sure how you can supe up a Tercel, but thank God for the creative brain he has given an Armenian.

New rims, new wheels, new air freshner, and the car may seem as good as new, ready to hit the party scene on a Friday night.

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Americans have chips and salsa. Armenians have pistachio nuts. At every Armenian gathering, you always have mixed nuts with the pistachio nut forming the foundation of the nut dish. Along with pistachio nuts, you’ll also see different kinds of seeds.

Now there is a proper way of eating these nuts. You grab a handful of the nuts and seeds. And though there may be some things in your hand that you don’t care for, it is improper etiquette to return that seed back to the plate. Also, it shows your weakness as a nut eater.

If you don’t believe me that Armenians love their nuts (especially the pistachio nuts), take a close look at an Armenian’s two front teeth. That’s right, that little groove you see is there after years of nut and seed eating.

Armenians love their nuts.

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Most people probably know (intuitively if not scientifically) that inhaling toxins in the form of a cigarette into your system is not good for you. Over the years the medical, scientific and civic communities have tried to make much publicity about the downsides of smoking.

But that message may have either been skipped over by the Armenian community or maybe Armenians just don’t care. Armenians love smoking. It is a rite of passage for every thirteen year old boy to go through a pack of ciggies before school is out.

Smoking is natural for Armenians. If every country were to ban smoking, Philip Morris would still have a solid market among Armenians. The aroma of the cigarette (usually cigarettes and rarely cigars or pipes) becomes part of the Armenian person. Some of us know that we have never really smelled our parent’s natural body odor because the cigarette has done a pretty good job covering it up for as long as we’ve known our parent.

If you want to date or bond or just get to know an Armenian, it is safe to say that offering a few cigarettes to them and smoking with them would build the necessary trust

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I am not joking when I say that I have heard several Armenians tell me that Andre Agassi’s original name was actually Agassian. This former champion is in fact half-Armenian. His father is of Armenian ancestry from Iran. Because Andre Agassi has an ounce of Armenian in him, he is automatically loved/adored by Armenians. Armenians love their own and Agassi is one of their own.

It doesn’t matter whether Andre cares much for the Armenian community or if he is at all in touch with that part of his life. It doesn’t even matter if Andre despises Armenians because affiliation covers all other sins.

If Andre were a no-name plumber, he would not be that loved by Armenians. But because Andre is someone famous, he is automatically plunged to the top of the “People Armenians Love” list. The key theme here is that Armenians love their own. They love to see their own accomplish great things. I used to watch Andre Agassi play and I did idolize him during my teenage years. But not once did I hear Andre Agassi acknowledge and embrace his Armenianness. But who cares because for Armenians seeing someone like Andre accomplish all that he has accomplished is a lesson to the younger generation that you too can be an Armenian champion when you grow up.

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